Berlin Dreaming.

I don’t know about you, but my entire Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat feeds are absolutely bursting with people on overseas holidays.

All of the amazing photos made me incredibly jealous and also pretty nostalgic for my Europe trip last year. I cannot believe it has been over a year since I got home (close to a year and a half!) so I decided to have a little scroll through my Europe album on my laptop, which is where I found these beauties that I couldn’t help but share.

The photos are were all taken in Berlin which I visited at the very end of my trip. I had 2 days there with my Topdeck family (miss you guys) before we said goodbye and then 1 night with my travel buddy before she flew home, leaving me to fend for myself for 4 days. Now I’m not quite sure why the hell I thought I’d be okay to take on Berlin by myself for 4 days after a month and a half of being surrounded by people… I’d also spent the better half of the year before I left dealing with a depression and anxiety diagnosis (unknown at that point I was actually suffering from social anxiety which made the whole situation worse).

But I did it.

I definitely struggled. I spent 2 nights and an entire day hiding in my AirBnb, only leaving to eat, because I was so scared of what was behind that door. I cried a lot over a 24 hour period and just wished I could go home. But after I calmed down I realised I was in Berlin. I had 2 days left. I could hide or I could go out an explore. So, after a solid few hours of planning train routes and destinations in the city all while convincing myself I would be okay if I left the room, I did it. I also took these wonderful photos along the 2 days I made myself leave the room.

I look at them now and not only am I nostalgic, but I am proud. I have come a really long way since I was travelling. I may still have those kind of days, but the anxiety I feel towards these kinds of social situations doesn’t affect me the way that it did during this 2 months. I’m also proud because I realised after coming home that I had a lot more issues than I thought and I started seeing someone again (which is how I found my fabulous psychologist, Steph). Looking back I realise this was a terrible time for me but also a turning point to making myself better so I will always be thankful for that.

Anyway, enough rambling from me – enjoy some of my favourite photos from Berlin.

DSC00910
Rent a Bike
DSC00900
East Side Gallery
DSC00896
East Side Gallery
DSC00863
Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe
DSC00856
Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe
DSC00851
Brandenburg Gate
DSC00885
East Side Gallery
DSC00884
East Side Gallery
DSC00883
East Side Gallery
DSC00874
East Side Gallery

DSC00902

DSC00903
Berlin
DSC00904
East Side Gallery
DSC00909
Street Art
DSC00912
Street Art

I’m not broken, I’m just a little bent.

Its been a whole year today since I first published a post on The Mighty telling people about my mental illness (which you can read here) and in that time I’ve realised a number of things. One of those is how incredibly hard I have been, and still continue to be on myself and how little self esteem I have.

When I was initially diagnosed with my mental illness, I convinced myself that I was broken. It is a feeling that hasn’t quite gone away and it is a feeling that seems to fluctuate at various times, depending on my head space, what else is going on in my life and what kind of medication I’m on.

Most of the time, I’m still convinced that since my brain isn’t quite as functional everyone else, that makes me different.

Fractured. Fragmented. Not quite right.

And yet everyday I’m trying to come to the terms with the idea that I’m not broken, I’m just a little bent.

I may have scars from where I tried to cut out all the pain and sew myself back together but that doesn’t make me broken.

I may take medication daily to increase my levels of ‘happy hormones’ but that doesn’t make me broken.

There may be an intense and overwhelmingly constant battle in my head between the depression and the anxiety but that doesn’t make me broken.

There may be days where I am incredibly hard on myself because I’m so incredibly unhappy but that doesn’t make me broken.

There may be times where I lack control and feel numb and have panic attacks that I can’t stop but that doesn’t make me broken.

There may be times when it feels like the pressure I put on myself is breaking me but it won’t. It will never break me.

Thinking of myself as broken makes me feel like I’m a piece of china that can’t ever be put back together quite right or used in the same way again. That’s not true – I will eventually be okay. Eventually my brain won’t work against me everyday. This may mean taking medication everyday for the rest of my life or making a regular time to check in with myself but that’s alright.

Sometimes I just really need to remind myself to be gentle. I am ill. I am hurting. I may be a little bent, but I am in no way broken. And I am recovering. I may always be bent, but I will never be broken.

I may not bend back into the shape I once was but that’s also okay. I don’t want to be who I was. I want to be strong and brave and happy which are some of the things my mental illness took away from me. And yet, at the same time, it is all the things recovering forces me to be.

So if you’re suffering from a mental health issue, or heartbreak, or grief – this is a reminder you are not broken, you’re just a little bent. And this pressure is making you stronger than you have ever been before. After all, diamonds are made under the weight of mountains.

-M x

On the bookshelf: April.

Another month, another piles of books on my bookshelf. This month’s focus – young adult novels and a self help book.

Keep scrolling for more.

Saint Anything – Sarah Dessen.
I am a pretty big fan of Sarah Dessen’s work. I’ve actually only read one of her books before – The Truth About Forever. I honestly just really enjoy Dessen’s writing style and the ease in which she delivers the story line and characters. Saint Anything definitely reinforced the love that I have for Dessen’s novels. The book is about a girl called Sydney and how her life changes after her older brother Peyton goes to jail for a drink driving offence. In an effort to remove herself from the unwanted attention at her school caused by Peyton’s sentence, Sydney moves to a new school where she meets the Chatham family described as “a warm, chaotic family who run a pizza parlor, play bluegrass on weekends, and pitch in to care for their mother, who has multiple sclerosis.”
And its here she meets Mac Chatham. Gorgeous, caring and protective Mac.

The novel really talks about a lot of things like forgiveness, feeling invisible, family, friendship, creepy weird men and how hard it might be to find your place in the world. Yeah sure, there is the focus on the love story, but doesn’t every YA have that focus? What is more important here is the beautiful friendship that Sydney forms with the Chatham family. Things like that were the reason I really enjoyed this book. Coming from a place where I do feel rather lost and rather invisible I definitely resonated with it. If you are in a similar space, or want a decent read, definitely pick up Saint Anything. 

*

We’re All Mad Here: The No-Nonsense Guide to Living with Social Anxiety – Claire Eastham.
A little plug about a self help book here and I am not even for one second ashamed. As I mentioned in my last post, I am really focusing on my own recovery at the moment and reading books and articles about my conditions are really helping me accept my illnesses and start to develop my own methods to recover – such as writing. Anyway, this book is basically a guide to anxiety. It uses the authors own experience and coping mechanisms to create this amazingly relatable book that honestly sums up some of my own experiences so well. I loved this book so bloody much I dedicated an entire blog post to it, which you can read more here (do it!!!)

 *

What Happened to Goodbye – Sarah Dessen
So it’s pretty clear that this month I had a little bit of an obsession with Sarah Dessen. It is definitely not my fault and I’m checking myself into author rehab as you read this… (Lol just joking). But back on track now. This book is definitely not as good as Saint Anything, in fact I enjoyed it a lot less. I think it took a long time to actually get into the story line and then really, there wasn’t too much story line there at all. It follows the story of Mclean, a teenager who has jumped from town to town with her Dad since her parents divorce.

I definitely didn’t enjoy this one as much as much as Saint Anything. I think it seemed to drag on a little too much and just seemed quite… immature to me. I really seemed like a Young Adult novel to me, which Dessen’s books don’t really seem to do. There were a few good themes though in particular identity and family which I did enjoy a lot. Not a bad book but nothing to rave about. Dessen’s writing and the themes within the novel really where the saving grace.

*

Vanishing Girls – Lauren Oliver
I didn’t love this book but I didn’t reallllly hate it either. I think the one saving grace is that I LOVE Oliver’s writing style. She tends to use other elements – in this case the blog posts, the newspaper articles and the ‘social media’ element – to create her story. This, combined with her genius writing style, generally make her books a good read. But this one… I just didn’t really love. I mean it hooked me in when I read the blurb – a story about two sisters who have an inseparable bond until an undisclosed accident occurs leaving the two girls estranged. Then Dara, one of the girls, goes missing on her birthday. Her sister Nick believes it is linked to the disappearance of another young girl, 9 year-old Madeleine Snow and Nick begins the mission to find her sister. But I think that the blurb was more enthralling than the actual story.. It set up the idea of a plot that wasn’t actually in the book which was really annoying!

I think this novel is an okay read, particularly if you enjoy Oliver’s writing, but I wouldn’t rush out to buy the book.

-M x

What books have you been reading lately? I’d love to hear your recommendations. 

Met Gala 2017.

Ah the Met Gala. What a perfect excuse for A listers to flaunt themselves on yet another red carpet.

However, the Met Gala is slightly different to other red carpet events. The annual benefit for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute sees celebs dress to match the theme of the event, which is set by whatever exhibition is opening that night. This year’s theme played tribute to Rei Kawakubo, the design genius behind Comme des Garçons and was officially titled “Art of the In-Between” and as always, has brought out some fabulous if not eccentric red carpet looks.

To be honest it’s without a doubt my favourite red carpet event. I love seeing celebs interpret the theme and veer away from their normal red carpet attire. So in my own celebration of the Met Gala, I’ve complied my absolute favourite looks from the night.

All these looks were from the Elle Australia Met Gala Gallery and can be found here.

gisele-bundchenGisele Bundchen shines in Stella McCartney.

1493685384888_lily-rose-depp-met-gala-2017.jpg

Lily-Rose Depp looking ‘pretty in pink’ in this beautiful Chanel piece.

1493685615287_rihanna-met-gala-2017
Rihanna getting it perfect and channeling the genius herself in Comme des Garçons.

1493686065108_naomi-watts-met-gala-2017
Naomi Watts looking flawless in Stella McCartney.

miranda-kerr

Miranda Kerr in beautiful Oscar de la Renta.

2ffb4bfabf10a1a720032ebb9448fd71

Rose Byrne killing it in a backless red Ralph Lauren

Zendaya-Dolce-Gabbana-Dress-Met-Gala-2017

Zendaya slaying in a colurful Dolce & Gabbana.

met-gala-2017-593-lupita-nyong-o-superJumbo-v2

Lupita Nyong’o is a beacon of beauty in Prada.

1493685402630_taylor-hill-met-gala-2017-3

Taylor Hill is a lady in red in Carolina Herrera.

cefd3eca7cfb70de79eff8ec8b5ce795

Our own Ruby Rose in a beautiful Burberry gown.

1493679182298_daria-strokous-met-gala-2017-2

Daria Stokous channeling ‘romantic goth’ in Dior.

Best of the web: April.

Welcome to another version of ‘best of the web’ – a round up of the things I have read, watched, consumed and LOVED online this month.

The Newsletter: To Her Door by Mia Abrahams & Grace Jennings-Edquist.
I found this newsletter after they’d already sent out three issues so luckily I got to binge read a few issues before I had to wait a whole week for a new issue. As described on their website – “Inspired by the women of Australia, To Her Door brings creativity, feminism, politics, and current events right to your inbox. We’re dedicated to telling you stories that matter — and that you actually want to read.” The newsletter is the creation of the amazing Mia Abrahams & Grace Jennings-Edquist, who met in the 90’s. The two women have been in the media industry for a number of years and told media site Mumberella, they started To Her Door as they “wanted to create an inclusive space where Australian women could tell stories, discuss issues, ask questions, and pass the microphone around all the wonderful people who care about each other and the world around them.”
Click here to get all the goodness of To Her Door straight to your inbox.

The Music: Meg Mac’s new song, Low Blows.
Ah Meg Mac you absolute musical genius you. Meg is back with this absolute winner of a single after success of song like Never Be, Roll Up Your Sleeves, Grandma’s Hands & her cover of Bridges by Broods. The vibes are similar to her previous songs with her raw and emotional vocals really shining through. She explained to Triple j’s Ben and Liam this new song was all “about standing up for yourself”.
All in all it is a ripper song and I can’t wait to hear the whole album which is out 14th July. Listen to Low Blows yourself by watching the video below.

 

The Netflix Show: Thirteen Reasons Why.
*Caution for those who haven’t finished – contains spoilers.*
Okay so I am well aware that there is A LOT of controversy around this show but I enjoyed it. Sure it was bloody confronting in some parts and I skipped through all the rape scenes because they really upset me and the suicide scene made me really unsettled but aside from that I think it is great. It’s started a conversation around suicide that really needed to happen. I disagree with critics saying that it ‘glorifies and romanticises suicide’ because if you can watch that suicide scene and say it is anything but traumatic and violent there is something wrong with you. I do however agree that the show doesn’t offer the viewer any ways to get help except to commit suicide which I think is pretty unhealthy. I’m also not sure about the blame factor within the show. However as someone who suffers mental illness and has thought about suicide more than once, I think that this is something most people should watch and talk about. The people I’ve talked to about the show also agree and a few of these people also suffer depression. But don’t just take my opinion – maybe watch it and make up your own mind.
PS – this show also has an ace soundtrack. Check it out on YouTube or Spotify.


The YouTube Video: A Ted Talk called ‘How to get stuff done when you are depressed’.
Jessica Gimeno is an absolute QUEEN. She is 28 years old and deals with FIVE chronic illnesses. She is a health activist, writer and speaker and I have a teeny girl crush on her. She did a Ted Talk in 2015 all about her health issues and some tips for getting stuff done when you are depressed. It is excellent and everyone with a mental illness should watch it. I’ve included the the video below so you can watch it if you are interested. (Just watch it anyway).

 

The Article: Why Self-Stigma is the Most Dangerous Pitfall when Battling Mental Illness by Noha Medhat
I think I feel a theme in the last three recommendations – they’re all related in someway to mental health. This may be because this month I’ve started being a little more proactive with my recovery. Anyway, this article by Noha Medhat is incredibly interesting. It is about the dangers of self stigma when dealing with mental illness, and often how self stigma goes unnoticed – much like the mental illnesses we face. It is thought provoking, wonderful and a decent read. Here is one of my favourite lines from the article, “The essence of stigma is viewing mental illness differently from physical illness because of its nonphysical nature. And that’s a trap I subconsciously fell into for a very long time, with unfortunate consequences.”
Read Noha’s article here.

-M x

 

What have you enjoyed this month? Let me know in the comments below.

Exhaustion.

There is one overwhelmingly negative aspect to having a mental illness. This is obviously aside from the whole other range of negative things such as the multitude of symptoms of a mental illness, side effects that come from medication and ridiculously emotional therapy sessions. But I digress…

The very worst thing about mental illness is that it is exhausting.

The energy that it takes every day. The energy it takes to survive. The feelings of sadness and worry and that feeling that’s worse than sadness that you can’t quite explain that physically drain you. That anxiety that keeps you on edge and then sends you crashing down from the most euphoric high. The racing heart. The sweaty palms. The brain that can’t stop overthinking everything. The need to control everything and plan and go over every detail again and again. It quite literally takes the life from you.

But the most exhausting part? 

Pretending.

Pretending that none of this is going on. Pretending that your heart isn’t beating a million miles an hour and that you aren’t sweating through another shirt. Pretending that you aren’t thinking about something you said three weeks ago. Pretending that being surrounded by strangers and acquaintances and friends doesn’t terrify you still.  Pretending that you didn’t break down again last night. Pretending that you weren’t on the edge of hurting yourself for the first time in months.

The most exhausting part of mental illness is the mask you put on every single fucking day to hide your real self from the world, and really, to hide from yourself.

It’s a mask made up of so many different elements. It’s the makeup that covers up the sleepless nights because of the nightmares and panic attacks. The smile permanently pasted on your face to hide the fear of not being liked or wanted or loved.

It’s the mask that makes playing pretends so much easier. And for a little while I can trick my own brain into thinking everything is okay.

Playing pretend used to be fun. And now it is a part of my life.

But why should it be? Why do I need to present a perfect, happy, smiling face day in and out? Is it because I’ve been convinced by society that I need to hide things I am ashamed of? But what should I be ashamed of?

I am sick. I have a condition that affects the way my brain works. It might always be there but it does not have to define me. I don’t want to feel ashamed. I don’t want to play pretend. I don’t want to hide behind a mask that has been there for as long as I can remember. I want to feel okay about my mental illness and realise how strong and resilient and fearless it has made me, because if I can get through the darkest moments what is stopping me from getting through everything else? I want everyone else to understand that is okay not to hide and not to pretend and most of all its okay not to be okay.

Most of all I don’t want to be exhausted anymore. Because honestly, I am sick and tired of it.

 

On the bookshelf: a book review.

Now I’m not generally one to want to write a whole blog post about just one book but when you find one that you love so much I think it is necessary to sing praise from the rooftops.

So what is this amazing book you may ask? It’s called We’re All Mad Here: The No-Nonsense Guide to Living with Social Anxiety by the OUTSTANDING Claire Eastham.

*For all of those who don’t want to read about me rave about a book all about social anxiety feel free to tune out now. Good, you’re gone? Back to my post*

Alright so I know this isn’t the kind of book that will appeal to everyone but since almost 11 per cent of Australians experience social anxiety in their lifetime, chances are you know someone going through it and therefore this book is relevant to you. In fact, the book has a whole section dedicated to loved ones so even if you don’t suffer from this mental illness you’ll still be able to get something out of it.

Basically We’re All Mad Here is a guide to dealing with social anxiety and is broken down into easy to read sections. The sections discuss a lot of things like: what social anxiety actually is, treatment options, how to deal with it at school/university, how to deal with it at work, how to deal with it in other triggering situations (like on social media, on dates and at parties) and a section for loved ones. It mixes Claire’s (the author) own experience through childhood, early adulthood, breakdown and subsequent diagnosis and coping mechanisms with a few great exercises and tips.

Claire is honestly hilarious. I read the first page and wanted to be her best friend. It also felt like someone was actually talking directly to me like I was their friend rather than a book filled with lots of boring science mumbo-jumbo. I really want to praise her for making the book incredibly relatable and easy to read with her humour.

As well as some excellent advice like, JUST ACCEPT YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS, the book also contains some really great quotes, great research and great resources.

Now lets cover the two teeny tiny negative parts (that aren’t really all that negative). Basically, this book is a beginners guide to dealing with social anxiety. Inside Claire writes that when she was first diagnosed ALL she wanted was a book like this that offered up a simple explanation of social anxiety as well as achievable coping mechanisms. So yeah, it’s basic and if you’ve already gone through your own diagnosis then you probably know a lot of the details in the book.

BUT WHO REALLY CARES.

It isn’t necessarily a book for someone who knows all about their condition and has their own coping mechanisms. It is a great book for someone who thinks they may have social anxiety or who has just been diagnosed or even for a loved one of someone suffering. Also I’ve known about my social anxiety for a while and I still found it relevant, relatable, funny, interesting and helpful.

The other teeny negative is that it has coping mechanisms that work for Claire but may not work for every Tom, Dick and Harry. However this is something that Claire makes clear at the start of book so I believe it counteracts the negative aspect.

And honestly, those are the only negative parts and I actually explained why they aren’t negatives at all so really it is a book full of amazing and heartfelt advice. I could not praise this book anymore. I would literally marry this book if I could (maybe that’s a little far, but you get how much I love it).

So in summary… Buy this book!!

Get it for yourself, a friend, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a parent, a sibling, WHOEVER. I can guarantee it will help someone in your life and if it doesn’t they will just laugh along because Claire is a bloody fabulous and relatable author.

Seriously, I honestly cannot recommend this book more. The advice is so practical and easy to understand its like social anxiety for dummies. By including her own personal experiences, Claire makes you feel like you aren’t in a battle that is honestly pretty terrifying. She also talks a lot about acceptance which I think is one of the most important things about recovering from a mental illness. So anyway, enough ranting from me and just buy the damn book.

-M x

PS – I also HIGHLY recommend Claire’s blog, for which the link is below. It just kept my love for her and her writing going. There are so many excellent and personal posts and more advice about mental illness. For Claire’s website ‘We’re All Mad Here’ click here. 

Have you also read this book? Or do you just have a book recommendation for me? Comment below! 🙂